Here We Grow Again

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It’s 6 am and I am awake. My kids are sleeping and I have been up sporadically since 3:30 am. Why? Because I am 38 weeks pregnant and paranoia has kicked in. Those same feelings which I thought I would never feel again after my second child was born are creeping back on in stronger than ever. Those feelings which question if a new baby is going to wreak havoc on our ‘perfect’ family of 4. Will my children willingly accept her? Will they feel neglected? But most of all….how the hell am I going to pull this all off. What seemed like a great idea almost 10 months ago is now causing some major anxiety as I think to myself….here we grow again and I am not ready yet.

Reality struck at around 37 weeks. One morning, with my two preschoolers dressed, fed and ready for school it was time for mommy to look like a presentable human being with about 5 minutes to do so. As I scrambled to drink my oatmeal from the bowl while simultaneously running up the stairs to get myself ready it finally hit me.

Why is being a mother such a paradox? How often do we feel like our children are driving us nuts one minute and then feel like crying the next as we realize that the time we have with our ‘babies’ will not last forever. We complain about a child or multiple children not sleeping through the night but then when they finally do, we find ourselves awake every hour checking for signs of breathing and wondering why they aren’t creeping into our beds. The feeling that you are in desperate need of a kids free night and once you get it spend the entire night telling stories about your children. I was literally thriving in insanity and disorder as I drank my breakfast, shouting out orders while running upstairs but it really didn’t phase me. This was now my normality but was an addition going to weaken me? I felt like supermom most days, accomplishing it all as long as I had a happy husband and children by the end of the day. Though, yes, I was exhausted, I was happy and felt rewarded. So what was my problem? Fear once again of the unknown, a fear which seemed familiar. Would I still be able to pull it all off in a few weeks time? How was it possible to be so excited and worried about something at the same time?

In the midst of my reflection, I was suddenly greeted by two screaming voices, arguing over the fact that my son had eaten the last mini pancake off of my daughter’s plate. As tears ran down her face, rather than jump back into mother mode and start laying down rules and consequences, sadness took over my emotions. Sadness because believe it or not, I was going to miss this. I was going to miss being the mommy of just these two little ones. Soon there would be a third member to this tribe and everything would be different.

I swept those feelings aside last week but now here they were once again, keeping me awake. I remembered feeling the exact same way prior to my daughter’s birth. I had then wondered how I would pull it off with two children but somehow we made it. Though guilt initially hit if I felt one child was getting more attention than the other, I learned to deal with that as my daughter grew a bit older. Spending time with the both of them together, finding something they both enjoyed doing which kept their attention, over time we grew more as a team, united, rather than one child constantly seeking mommy and daddy’s full attention. I couldn’t even imagine one without the other now and in my heart I know or at least I hope that by this time next year I will be saying the same about all three of them. Though days are not perfect, the quarrels are constant but so are the silly moments where I look at my children and appreciate all they have done for me by not only filling my heart with love but teaching me the importance of patience and trust. Trust that in time, with consistency, everything will be ok and I will continue to live this mommy life full of paradoxes.

Photo Credit: Erica Rourke

 

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Michele Marrobio
A native of Wellington, FL, Michele proves that life is full of unexpected surprises. After graduating with a degree in English studies at Florida Atlantic University and years of a long distance relationship with her now husband, Giuseppe, Michele moved to Sicily, Italy to embark on a new chapter! Teaching English as a second language and living, immersed in a culture that was very different from that which can be found in the states, Michele was given a new outlook on life. After 8 years in Sicily, a new business opportunity brought the couple back to Wellington, Florida where they live today with their two (soon to be three!) children, Ottavio, 4, Alessandra, 2 and baby girl Marrobio (April 2017).