“Happier” – When marriage is not always about happiness

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I have become that mom that criticizes the music my children are listening to. The odd thing is that as a child I remember my parents had their music and we had ours. In 2018, my children and I are listening to much of the same pop music. I have had the song “Happier” by Marshmello stuck in my head for the past week. It’s catchy. My kids love the song and demand I “turn it up!” as soon as they hear it on the car radio. I have to admit, I love it too. As a couples therapist, I think deeper into the lyrics than is probably intended to by Mr. Marshmello. As I am being pulled into this incredibly beautifully written song, and my children are listening to it, I start to analyze it.

I catch myself humming and singing it through the day, as I sing the lyrics, “I want you to be happier….so I’ll go.” I think about the ultimate sacrifice that would take. That is what the song intends to show. There is an ultimate sacrifice the character in the song is giving up in order for the individual he is singing to to become happier without him there. There is deep pain embedded in the song.

“In the cold light of day we’re a flame in the wind, not the fire that we’ve begun.” Excuse me Mr. Marshmello, I understand this may be a metaphor, but you gave this relationship A DAY? I’ll be fair and say this is a metaphor for seasons of their relationship. At night, when everything is a party and is fun, things are great. In the morning, when reality sets in and there are real issues to work through, it seems too tough so “I’ll go.” I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and point out that Mr. Marshmello thinks he is doing this because it will be better for his partner, but NO Mr. Marshmello! That is the problem with our society today (Wow, way to sound old, Melyssa). I am not pointing out the flaws of the millennial generation, either. I have couples that walk into my office of all ages, and all age groups are plagued with the ideas of instant gratification. “It doesn’t feel good so maybe we should just end the marriage”. When things become tough, one of the first ideas is, “I am not happy,” therefore, this isn’t right. I agree there are situations where the relationship should be ended, such as when abuse is present or when addiction is destroying a family without the individual wanting change, but that is not the majority of the clients that come to therapy.

Marriage is not always about happiness. There is monotony in marriage. There are bills that must be paid, children that get sick, and loss of loved ones. In those moments, your partner doesn’t need you to abandon them because you’re not feeling good enough for them. They need you to go towards them and give them security in a world where that is very fleeting. 

“I want to see you smile but know that means I’ll have to leave.” Perhaps the writer of the song was thinking of a situation that was best for the character to have left. I understand that. The masses, however, are listening to this song and applying this to their every day lives. They are romanticizing the idea that when things get tough, it is honorable to walk away because everyone isn’t happy. Happiness takes work and effort. There will be lows and that is fine to have some. A good marriage requires fighting through the lows to bring back the healthy and beautiful highs. It is not easy. Consistent highs is not a sustainable lifestyle.