I love blogging because it’s an outlet for me to clear out any unnecessary and unwanted garbage out of my life. I think it comes so naturally to me because I’m an open book…. what you see is what you get, and if you want to know just ask. So typically my posts correspond with what’s directly going on in my life. This entry is no different. The only difference is this entry is going to be a lot darker and not as light, and fun as my typical ones. This post is a true story about my internal battles as a child of addiction.
Both of my parents my entire life have abused alcohol. I can’t say that I’m surprised being that my family business is selling alcohol, and it has been for generations and generations. That is why I vowed at a young age to never drink. I never attended the high school parties if I knew there would be alcohol…in fact I ended many relationships if I knew my friends participated. I was extremely sensitive and turned off from a young age.
That was because of what I witnessed. Every night when my sister and I would go to bed my mother would start drinking. Which then led to her smoking cigarettes, which then would lead into her alcohol abuse, which resulted in these horrendous notes she would leave under our doors.
Every morning we would wake up to chicken scratch slurred all over the paper explaining to my sister and I of all our disappointments, unsatisfactory efforts and the fact that we were never enough for my mother.
Being 12 & 10 years old those words were so damaging that our adolescent selves acted out. It’s just such a shame that my mother didn’t figure out another outlet to substitute for her bad habits. You see over the course of my life she was able to not drink for extensive periods of time. Which leads me to believe she’s not truly addicted to the substance. She’s habitually relating it to how she feels. When my mother felt sad or depressed she would reach for her friend who never talked back or called her out on this behavior. Her friend just sat in the glass and took her pain away and clouded her judgement. Her friend took away all her beauty that was radiating from her golden heart and turned it to a darkness.
On the outside looking in my mother is an outgoing happy go lucky person who loves life and has a spectacular one. However, she is actually a depressive personality posing as this happy one. My entire life she always mentioned her life choices in a way that sounded unsatisfactory. She often mentioned she wanted to have a third baby, which my father never gave her. There was always something wrong or some underlying anger with my dad. So instead of doing something about it and changing things up or finding her own hobbies she found the bottle.
I heard a quote when I was struggling with the realization that my mom had a problem, “The bottle can conceal; but also reveal.”
That is such a profound statement! We try so hard to hide everything we’re really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it’s somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life. If my mother would have confided in a friend or even my father and wanted to truly get better she would have.
That is the issue I have with her today. Ever since I became a mother, she’s been amazing . Even before that – my wedding she didn’t have one sip of alcohol. She knew that it was my day I would never get to have again; and I wanted no drama! She used to able to be selfless and control her urges. But today, five years later, she is in the depths of her addiction. She is struggling. She doesn’t want to be like this. However she only speaks about getting better for my kids. Not for herself. I think that is going to be a huge road block. If you don’t value yourself and believe you’re worthy of a clean and happy life where you don’t need a crutch, will you ever truly be successful? She is completely powerless and I’m so saddened for her and my family.
My mother was a wonderful mother. She was the type of mom who always made the best chocolate chip cookies, she had warm towels out of the dryer when you came out of the bath…. she always threw the best birthday parties…. came dressed up to school for Halloween – she loved being our mom. When we grew up she lost her identity. We were her everything! So I had hoped that would carry over to her grandkids. Unfortunately, we don’t live in the same state and there is this undeniable problem wedging between her and her family now. I just pray she can climb out of this darkness and know she is needed and valued and most importantly loved!
If you have anyone in your life suffering from an addiction. Don’t give up. I know some say tough love is the best way for them to “get it” or hit rock bottom. I haven’t been able to make myself do that to her. My thoughts and actions are my own path and I have to consider my children I’m doing the best that I can. I pray everyday for my mother and her health, hopefully sharing this blog will be a reminder of why she should choose a sober life and it will help her one day at a time.
Below are some links to find help in your area.
Also for family members of an alcoholic.