Raising Includers

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A few years ago I read an article that talked about raising our kids to be “includers” instead of “excluders” and it really struck me. The basic concept is to try to teach our kids the importance of including others and try to squash the mean kid mentality before it starts. In the past, I talked to my oldest daughter about this concept but it usually just involved making sure that every friend at a play date was being included. She had yet to deal with any of the real “mean girl” situations yet in her life or really ever feel left out. She’s only six after all and I honestly thought I had a few more years before I had to really worry about her feeling excluded in situations. 

I guess I was naive to think that first graders were still all naturally inclusive with each other. To me, my daughter is still so much my baby that I forget she is growing up and beginning to have her own life experiences both good and bad. She came home from school one day talking about how two girls in class created a “Girl’s Club” and as I was listening I knew immediately this club wasn’t the type of club that everyone would be welcome in. She wasn’t yet “accepted” into this club but I could tell it was something she wanted to be a part of. As she explained the club and all of the rules the two leaders of the club had created I tried to gently sway her away from being interested but I could tell that wasn’t really happening. After our conversation, a few days later she told me she had been accepted into this club but that she wasn’t sure she liked it for various reasons. Again, I listened and gave my advice on why I thought maybe the club wasn’t the best idea. She listened too and agreed but still felt she wanted to be a part of the club at that moment. 

Well, a few days later just as our van door slid shut and she began to buckle herself into her seat, the tears came. She had been kicked out of the club because the leader’s decided they wanted the new girl in class to be their final member and they only allowed a certain number of girl’s in. My heart ached as she talked about how the new girl had really pretty hair and maybe that’s why they chose her to be in the club instead of her. Even though I knew this club was silly and I really don’t think the kids were trying to be hurtful (at least I hope not), to her it was the first experience of true disappointment from a group of peers and her first time truly feeling left out. I wished more than anything I could take that aching feeling away from for her and never have her feel that again. In my six short years of motherhood I have learned pretty quickly that any pain my children feel, no matter how small, is so much worse than any pain I could ever experience on my own. 

After some time passed and the tears had stopped we talked some more about the club and she said to me, “Mom, they just aren’t being includers and it doesn’t feel good to leave people out. I want to include people and I’ve decided I am starting the “Everyone Club” and anyone can join and we won’t have any rules to be in the club. It will be the club for everyone to feel good.” I felt so happy that she was able to take this moment of disappointment and hurt and decide she was going to take action to change it. She had listened and heard our past conversations about being an “includer” and she was ready to put those ideas into action. She went to school the next day and said she invited every one to join the “Everyone Club” and she said she felt proud that she offered a chance for everyone to have a place to feel welcome. 

As she grows up, along with her brother and sister, I am sure there will be many more times when they have to deal with their share of hurt and disappointment. I realize that’s a part of life. I hope as a parent I can continue to teach them and encourage them to see the good in others and continue to include others. I want my kids to have the mentality that there is always room at the table for others instead of the old “you can’t sit with us mindset.” The “includer” mind set is so important especially in the world we live in today. 

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Stephanie Baker
Stephanie is a South Florida native, originally from Royal Palm Beach, who now resides in Wellington with her family. She attended The University of South Florida in Tampa where she met her college sweetheart turned husband, Tyler. Together they have three small children, Addison who is five and one year old twins Ainsley and Asher. Stephanie spent eight years as a teacher in both the middle school and high school settings before becoming a stay at home mom. Now instead of spending her days correcting teenagers, she spends them chasing her busy twins and trying to convince them that nap time is fun and something they should really do. Stephanie loves coffee, desserts of all shapes and sizes, a good book and solo trips to Target. She is a mostly natural mama who loves a fridge stocked with organic foods and wishes she had time to take yoga but also has an intense love for gel manicures and makeup that she just can’t quit. She shares her love for all things lipstick over on her Facebook group, Peaceful Pout .

1 COMMENT

  1. Addison, a wise young soul, absorbs so much around her—the good and the bad. But, hopefully, the lessons passed on by her family keep her soul wise and inclusive as she grows up! This vignette illustrates that kids are usually listening when the seeds are planted:)

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